so I'm 37 job-less, car-less, hopeless, hoping anti-depressants will give me life back....

8-10-09.......so I'm 37 job-less, car-less, hopeless, hoping anti-depressants will give me life back....I have been on and off cocaine and heroin for 9 years.......off both for 8 months as of today...I wake up 4 times a night, I'm never rested.....I'm the oldest of 4 boys the 2 youngest are fine, myself and Brett (the 2nd oldest) are fucking train wrecks....we both have been in a psych ward for around a week. me in 2006, him 2008. him suicidal over a dumb bitch me on dope trying to fool my employer that i was psycho not on heroin and crack .........that Oprah fraud dude talks about a million little pieces...fuck him...I was at the rehab he wrote about ...even met Owen Wilson (true) it was a damn 1K a day spa....kicking heroin sucked because they BS you and tell you " we will medicate you" well they didn't when i got there (Minnesota, Hazelden rehab) i didn't sleep for 9 days, had hallucinations, and got some against the rules tang late one night........so its 2009...I'm clean depressed unhealthy broke .....my mom pays for me to live......I just need to get a tiny piece of hope or light to get me back to life or wait till the meds work....I decided to volunteer at an adult literacy program....helping others is the only answer 4 drug addicts................my dad used to choke and whip me and i was molested in Hawaii when i was 13............